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16 April 2006 

Sometimes ...

- I wonder if anyone out there really listens, I mean I am sure they are "listening", but do they understand ... its hard to find someone to really confide in, I really dont know the friends that I have made here. I go from having friends that I have known for 14 years to having friends that I have known for months ... they dont get me ... they wont understand ... so I just deal with it, keep things to myself and just truck on ... 3 and a half months left until I can return to where I belong ...

... along those lines ... dreams ... ever have the gut feeling, the itch in the heart, or that thought that just wont leave your brain! I continue to have this feel/dream no matter where I am at or what I am doing ... in my sleep I dream it ... while awake I day dream about it! while getting lost in this thought it feels like I am supposed to be along that path ... like its where I am supposed to be ... I actually feel a pain in my chest when I get rolling with ideas and plans but there is nothing I can do about ... i've been told by family members and friends of family that there was always something about me and that I was meant to do big things that no one in my family has ever done ... I was starting along that path and realized that I had "cut corners" and that set me back ... now I find myself retracing steps to fix my path and I dont know if I will be where I was at ... but the dream and thoughts just eat at me ... like there is something stronger saying "what the hell are you doing here! u need to be over here doing this ... this is what you are meant to be doing!" ... and yet I find myself here ... locked in ... not being able to get out ... so I just deal with the pain ..............